


Devotion, Loyalty, and This Thing Not Called Being In Love

by Diary



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Acts of Kindness, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Pre-Canon, Bechdel Test Pass, Bisexual Grant Ward, Bisexual Male Character, Bittersweet Ending, Brothers, Canon Character of Color, Canon Crossover, Canon Disabled Character, Families of Choice, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Gay John Garrett, Gay Male Character, John Garrett & Grant Ward Friendship, Late Night Conversations, Morally Ambiguous Character, Past Child Abuse, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-10-06 15:41:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17347931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diary/pseuds/Diary
Summary: AU. “I’ll sleep with Agent Garrett.” Complete.





	Devotion, Loyalty, and This Thing Not Called Being In Love

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own anything in the MCU.

He and Buddy have barely walked into the gym when Agent Hill is coming over. “No. Agent Ward, Buddy is restricted to quarters aside from brief bathroom breaks for the next 48 hours. Agent Hand is making a detour here, and she’s highly allergic to dogs.”

Buddy nudges at her leg, and she pats him. “If it’s okay with Agent Ward, I’ll give you some extra meatloaf on Tuesday to make up for it. Okay?”

“That sounds good, ma’am. Was there a memo or announcement I missed?”

She shakes her head. “I got the message five minutes ago.”

Nudging Buddy, he says, “Come on, Buddy. Change of plans.”

…

After changing his clothes, he goes back to the gym only to find it occupied with cleaners.

“Exposure to even small traces of dog hair can cause physical symptoms,” Agent Hill explains.

He’s tempted to ask why Hand is making a stop at a base full of civilians, dogs, and other pets. Whether John’s story about her once setting up a tent in a public park to avoid such a base is true or not, plenty of other people have made it clear: Hand doesn’t like dealing with anyone below fellow level 8s, and apparently, her having disagreements with them is a common occurrence.

“What time is she set to arrive?”

“The plan is sometime around 1000.”

“Ma’am.” Nodding, he walks away.

…

By the time 1000 rolls around, the gym’s finally free, and he’s doing his usual workout when Hill and Hand come in. Hand’s agents immediately begin doing their own workouts, and Hand and Hill sit on the nearby bleachers.

“Have there been any severe reactions to the new influenza vaccine administered here?”

“No, ma’am,” Agent Hill answers. “We’ve had one civilian come down with flu-like symptoms, but we were expecting this. The symptoms are almost gone.”

“Good. How many exemptions?”

“Two, ma’am.”

“My quarters will not be near either of theirs.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Hill agrees. “Speaking of, would you like me to show them to you, now?”

“That sounds good.”

They get up, and when they walk past, he moves aside.

Glancing down, Hand stops. “Agent Grant Ward. You’re one of Agent Garrett’s, aren’t you?”

Unsure what to make of Hill’s uneasy shift, he stands. “Agent Hand. Yes, ma’am. I was one of Agent Garrett’s trainees, and I was his specialist until last year.”

“It’ll be interesting to see how long he stays out of trouble in the civilian world.”

The words are so nonsensical he blurts out, “What?”, without thinking. “Um, I’m sorry, ma’am, but it sounds like you’re talking about right now. If I misunderstood- He hasn’t said anything serious about retirement, has he?”

Hill and Hand exchange a look.

“Ward,” and Hill’s voice is bizarrely gentle, “Agent Garrett is set to retire at the end of the month.”

“Agent Coulson has twenty bucks on him not,” Hand adds. “Personally, I agree with Agent Sitwell’s-”

“Apologies, ma’am, but I need to interrupt,” Hill says. She studies him. “You didn’t know?”

All he can do is shake his head.

There has to be a mistake. John doesn’t tell him a lot of things, he’s accepted this fact a long time ago, but this-

“What else don’t you know? I mean- Agent Ward, walk with us. After Agent Hand is escorted to her quarters, you and I need to talk privately.”

…

The paperwork Agent Hill shows him is all official.

John hates paperwork, but his signature and the written dates are all in his handwriting.

When he can’t hoist his paperwork on someone else, it’s a gamble whether he’ll do it or take the consequences of not. He wouldn’t fill out all this if he wasn’t completely committed and serious-

“That son of a bitch. I’m going to kill him.”

As soon as the words are out, he remembers he’s in the base commander’s office.

Before he can apologise, Hill gives him a half-amused, half-sympathetic look. “I didn’t hear that.”

He leans back in his chair. “Agent Hill, do you know something I don’t? Something you can tell me? I’m not surprised Agent Garrett hasn’t bothered to tell me about something big going on in his life, but retirement? That doesn’t sound like him.”

She sighs. “Well, I’m glad to know certain things about you, Agent Ward.” For a moment, she’s quiet.

Then, she takes a breath. “When Agent Garrett was a level 1, a gifted woman was targeting male government officials. To keep it simple: Heterosexual and bisexual cisgender men could be manipulated by exposure to her saliva. Her saliva didn’t work on women, transgender individuals, or homosexual men.”

“Of course, back then, most of this wasn’t known. In addition, of the few women SHIELD had, most weren’t cut out for fieldwork. There wasn’t much of a choice but to send a group of men in.”

He nods.

“Agent Garrett was captured, and then, he was bringing her in. He claimed he didn’t remember much, but somehow, he managed to fight through the urges she caused. As far as some are concerned, that should have been the end of it.”

“However, what recently came out- It was later discovered sex, or in many cases, rape, involving this woman resulted in a slight, asymptomatic change to men’s genes. So far, there have been no observed side-effects to this gene. And again, this should have been where things ended.”

“Earlier this year, the medical files of everyone level 7 and higher were hacked. Some of the results, including the fact Agent Garrett doesn’t have this gene, were distributed via the SHIELD newsletter. The information was quickly contained, and the majority of SHIELD never saw it. His newest trainee was one of the few who did.”

He never liked Doyle, but he did think-

“What exactly has Doyle said or done, Agent Hill? Ma’am, I’ve known Agent Garrett since I was seventeen, and aside from him teaching me how to hold my liquor at that age, he’s never done anything that could be classified as inappropriate. If Doyle is trying-”

“No. He’s not. This isn’t him, Ward. Or at least, it’s mostly not.”

“None of us are sure how many people know this, and in all honesty, we’re not sure what ‘this’ means. It’s unknown how an asexual cisgender man would react to the saliva. It’s possible her kiss did effect him but he managed to break through before anything further happened. Hell, with all the implants and medicines he’s been subjected to over the years, it’s possible he did have the mutated gene at one point.”

“It’s not anyone’s place to ask,” she softly says. “As far as I know, no one is. But Agent Garrett grew up in a world where gay men would never be agents. Sometimes, when a person has to hide or repress who they are for long enough, even when it’s no longer necessary, they continue. This applies to both agents on missions and people who qualify as invisible minorities.”

Some part of him might feel sympathy, but mostly, he’s angry and hurt he’s sitting in his SO’s office hearing this for the first time instead of months ago from John himself.

“You don’t seem surprised,” she adds.

“I guess I’m not. I don’t tend to think of my superior officers in a sexual- I rarely give any thought to what kind of relationships other agents have outside the job. I asked J- Agent Garrett once if he was married, had any kids, had anyone special in his life. He told me no to all three and that he was married to the job. Which was the truth.”

She nods.

“Agent Hill-”

“If you’re about to request a leave of absence, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to deny the request. Until Barton gets back, you’re the second highest in command on this base.”

By the time Barton comes back, John will be retired, and if he wants to, he’ll have disappeared completely off-the-grid by then.

“Understood, ma’am. Permission to resume my normal duties?”

“Granted.”

…

Listening to Buddy snoring, he focuses on the feeling of the bed underneath him.

He remembers the hard ground, the muddy, slimy ground, the itchy, too-hot, too-cold, bug infested ground he curled up with Buddy on before he got the idea to start stealing from cabins.

/

Breaking off some of the taco for Buddy, he asked, “Why’d you leave me out here?”

At Garrett’s laughter, he quickly added, “Don’t say anything about being on a mission. That isn’t the reason you decided to do it.”

Garrett shrugged. “You want simple answers from me, you’re rarely going to get them, son. Life isn’t boiled down to terse, ‘yes’, ‘no’, with the smattering of bare minimum facts thrown in. It’s complicated and long-winded, and if I’m going to explain myself, I’m not going to bother with editing or hiding things unless it’s necessary.”

He nodded. “Tell me.”

Finishing the fries, Garrett sipped his mug. “I don’t believe in rehabilitation, redemption, or second chances. Oh, I believe people can change, it’s a fact of life that people do, and sometimes, this change can be extremely radical.”

“But you give someone a choice between prison, social isolation, or whatever punishment is being threatened and a so-called second chance or shot at redemption, what you’re really offering is an alternative method of paying off the debt you imagine they owe. One that they’ll likely prefer, but it’s still about you and what you get out of it than trying to give any real benefit to them.”

The memory of their first meeting hit him.

“When’s the fun part for me supposed to kick in, sir?”

A look of genuine surprise crossed Garrett’s face followed by a big grin. “Let me finish, first. You’re smart and healthy. More than this, you don’t scare easily.”

To his surprise, a brief look of what might have been sadness or pity crossed Garrett’s face.

“If you never do anything else for me, kid, do this: There might be some things your parents did or didn’t do that you can be genuinely grateful for, that makes you hate them a little less, that causes you to hold this tiny shard of love for them. Never let that be one of them.”

“If you were always a fearless kid, then, own that. If you stopped being scared of the normal things that scare regular people, stopped being afraid of your own shadow, whatever, because, it was the best or only way to survive- No matter how many times it saves your life or gets you what you want, be proud of yourself, and refuse to attribute any good towards them for it. They took something they had no right taking in the worst way possible.”

He almost asked, “Isn’t taking fear away a good thing?,” but Garrett continued on.

“My boss has me finding and mentoring people like you. He thinks I lack empathy. Thing is, and I say this with all respect: Fury’s a dyed-in-the-wool narcissist who pegs everyone who doesn’t show empathy the way he thinks people not him should has the potential to be all the bad he restraints himself from being. Guy has some issues with projection.”

“And some of other issues I’m not qualified to diagnose. He also has this bizarre idea that putting those deemed narcissists in consulting roles to non-narcissists is somehow a good idea for all parties and the world in general.”

There was another shrug. “Which is fine with me. I like kids, and one good thing about troubled teenagers is they’re rarely boring. But I’m not going be responsible for some agent lying dying or looking back when they’re old and thinking, ‘Huh, I probably would have chosen that path over there and might have been truly happy if I’d had a real choice. Well, I know who’s responsible for forcing me on this one.’”

“Crappy as it is, kid, there was no: ‘Get this kid in a decent foster or group home, and maybe, he’ll be alright.’ No: ‘Send him to this faraway relative.’ You’re all alone, and you have to decide what kind of life you want to try having.”

Looking down at Buddy, he thought, I’m not all alone.

“You could have found your way back to civilization. You could have befriended one of those cabin owners. I made it clear when I left, if you weren’t here when I got back, I wasn’t going to spend any time looking for you.”

Garrett’s eyes caught his. “So, that’s why I left you here. I gave you the best opportunity I could to make whatever choice you thought was best, no influence or manipulation from me or anyone else. Now, it’s my turn. Why did you stay?”

He considered his words, and Garrett played tug-a-war with Buddy.

Finally, he said, “My little brother, Thomas, has always had this big imagination. When we were little, every week, he was going to be something different. An astronaut, a firefighter, a race car driver, a lawyer.”

Looking down, he took a deep breath. “I don’t remember ever having thoughts and feelings like that. I just wanted a normal family that loved me.”

“Maybe,” he looked back up, “someday, I can have that. One day, it changed. I just wanted to be free of them But- I’m not blaming them for my problems. I screwed up. The truth is, I was working my ass off at military school. I’d just gotten a scholarship.”

“And then, Christian sent me a letter taunting me. And I felt like I could never be free, that he and our parents would always find a way to ruin everything. To keep hurting me and Thomas. So, I decided that, at least, if they were dead-” All he could do was shrug.

“I’ll work hard, sir. It doesn’t particularly matter what kind of work it is. All I really want is to never have to see or hear about or deal with them ever again. If I can be free, no jail, have a chance at learning cool new things and maybe have people see me as good without them ruining it, then, all the better.”

Garrett smiled, and everything inside him went off at once. “Well, then, I think it’s time you started being introduced to some of the fun parts I promised.”

/

He’d meant what he said, the answer he’d given was completely true, but he hadn’t told the absolute truth.

A large part of him had been tempted to hike back to civilisation or try to get help from someone in a cabin. Buddy trotting almost directly underfoot and looking up with pitiful, please-feed-me eyes put thoughts of finding a no-kill shelter and anonymously leaving the mutt with the massively unoriginal name there danced in his head.

But he was a teenager, and thoughts of sparkling blue eyes and a smile that made his stomach twist- he wanted to believe that man would come back. He wanted to make that man proud. He wanted the fun promised, and he wanted fun that he knew likely wasn’t implied.

Unfortunately, he never got the latter.

There have been times he imagines John’s, at least, gotten a sense of how he felt, and he has no doubt, if John has, then, John has also used it as a button to surreptitiously push on occasion. For all John sincerely wants a world where people are free without others putting strings on them, he’s a spy, a soldier, and sometimes, a flat-out jerk with a lack of empathy and a twisted sense of humour.

This doesn’t mean there are no lines he’d never cross, and once he became a full agent, sleeping with any trainee, especially an underage one in his direct care, is one of them.

It’s 0300.

The simple solution is call and otherwise keep attempting to contact John until John either responds or has it shutdown.

_SHIELD’s all about rules, son, and I’d advise you to follow them. Keep your nose clean._

_Have you always done that, sir?_

_God no. But in a lot of ways, I’ve turned out lucky. It doesn’t seem Lady Luck has ever spared you anything but a few crumbs. You want my advice as a man, not an agent? There are rules no one likes. There are rules you may personally disagree with. Part of living in any society means gritting your teeth and abiding by them. That said, if something strikes you as truly wrong, if you believe down to your bones that doing or not doing something is part of you being a man, then, consider what the consequences could be. Ask yourself if facing them is a price worth paying. If the answer’s yes, then, get your nose and hands and anything else dirty. Sometimes, it’s better to have dirt than blood on your hands, and much as some don’t like hearing this, sometimes, blood’s necessary._

He knows what he wants to do, and he knows why being sensible and accepting that John Garrett is a jackass who he might never see again is the best option.

Doyle had once commented, “With all due respect, Agent Ward, you’d follow Agent Garrett to the ends of the Earth whether he was SHIELD or not. I respect him as my SO, but I’m training to be a SHIELD agent.”

As much as he’s never liked Doyle, he’ll admit this was an accurate, fair shot.

…

In the morning, he gets a portable isolator animal carrier from the medical bay. Filling the water bowl up, he sets a blanket down across the bottom before coaxing Buddy inside.

“I’m sorry. I’m about to do something stupid. But don’t worry about yourself, okay? Miss Lynnie Nail is going to look after you.”

Lynnie, one of the base’s mail deliverers, is a shy, nervous woman who’s probably smarter than Tony Stark is. However, her shyness largely vanishes whenever Buddy’s around, and after she smuggled out a dying lab rat from the base and absolutely refused to give it back, he’s seen how solid her backbone can be when it comes to animals she cares about.

Petting Buddy, he closes the PIAC before getting into the shower.

Once everything is packed, he takes Buddy to the carport, and finding Lynnie’s car, he disables the alarm, unlocks the doors, and sets the carrier and dog food on the passenger floorboard. Taping the note to her steering wheel, he rolls down all the windows a little before getting out, relocking the doors, and resetting the alarm.

He’s trying to decide which car to steal when he hears, “Agent Ward.”

Stay calm, he tells himself. You haven’t actually done anything yet.

Hand and her agents walk over. “I take it you’re my escort? Agent Hill’s been in a meeting for the last hour, and she didn’t tell me who’d be escorting me before she went in.”

As far as he knows, Hill didn’t tell her, because, Hill had made no plans for her to be given an escort in the first place.

Getting on the plane with her would be one of the dumbest things he’s ever done. All it’d take was Hill contacting her while the plane was still in the air for him to, at best, be thrown into a cell, and at worse, ejected. The latter _probably_ wouldn’t happen, but then, John had seemed sincere when he talked about Hand having a carefully controlled sadistic streak under her bluestocking exterior.

“Agent Hill didn’t tell me where you’re headed, ma’am. Or what time you were leaving.”

“It’s an important meeting. I’m returning to the Hub. Try not to encourage Agent Garrett. In regards to anything. He always shows off worse than normal when one of his comes to visit. Oh, and pack a bag, Agent Ward. After that near-miss with Styles’ bio-weapon, we’ve implemented quarantine procedures. All arrivals must submit to a physical, remain 24-hours, and receive another physical before clearance to leave is granted.”

“I’ll help him load it, ma’am, so that exposure to any dog hair is minimised,” one of the agents offers.

“Thank you, Agent Lynch.”

…

Somehow, he manages to get on the plane without anyone realising he’s doing something he’s not supposed to and without telling any direct lies.

Due to some unexpectedly strong weather, however, it’s night by the time the plane lands.

“You’re all clear, Agent Ward,” Dr Chang says. “And you’re welcome to sleep in here tonight. I’m sorry, but Secretary Pierce didn’t know Commander Hill was sending anyone with Agent Hand, and so, no one prepared quarters for you. If y’all had been able to arrive on schedule, we might have been able to find something.”

“That’s fine. Thank you. Before I do anything else, I’m going to see Agent Garrett. He’ll be up.”

“Try to eat something soon. We don’t have much in the way of variety until morning, but,” she gestures to the doctor’s lounge, “we have plenty to fill you up. Uh, just don’t even touch the red container in the fridge. In fact, I better make sure the label is still properly on. It belongs to Nurse Wallen’s grandbaby.”

As she’s doing that, he changes back into his clothes. “Thank you, doctor. I’ll get something soon.”

…

John has clearly already gone to bed, and he takes a petty pleasure in viciously mashing down on the doorbell.

“Alright, I’m-” Sweater tangled in his hands, John blinks at him. “Am I dreaming?”

Worry overtakes his anger. John only sleeps shirtless when he’s sick. “Is it the implants or something else?”

He pushes his way in, and closing the door, John shakes his head. “Grant? I’m fine. It’s just a minor reaction to those flu shots we had. Is Buddy okay?”

“Buddy’s fine.” He sets his bag down. “I’m not supposed to be here. I give it until tomorrow afternoon, at the longest, before Hill has me arrested for going AWOL, and I’m sure Hand will throw in something about lying and whatever else she can. There, that’s out of the way. Now, either tell me about your upcoming retirement, or call security.”

“Oh, crap,” John groans. “Okay. First, I’m getting something to drink. You want tea or water?”

“Water’s good.”

After John tosses him a bottled water and pours some tea, they sit on the couch.

“You heard about Doyle?”

He scoffs. “So, it is about that. When Hill laid it all out- I tried to tell myself it wasn’t. Half-believed it, too.”

“Yeah, well.” John slumps down. “I find it funny how everyone thinks you’re the strait-laced one who has to deal with my antics. Kid, you’ve been a dramatic son of a gun since you were seventeen even setting aside what you did that led to us meeting. Still not over that stunt you pulled in Malaysia.”

“Want to make me sleep outside on the ground in 40 degree weather and restrict me to MREs, again? I’m still not apologising. I made the right call.”

“You held your gun on a superior officer and threatened to let eight civilians die.”

“She was selling information to literal Nazis, and I got that train stopped before it crashed.”

“Yeah, and if that was _why_ you’d done it-”

He stays quiet.

“How in the hell did you pull such a thing over on Hand?”

“I got extremely lucky. She seems to think Hill was supposed to give her an escort, and with Hill in a meeting and me in the right place at the right time, she also assumed that escort was me.”

“Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Vic usually doesn’t visit anyone but Fury, and he always has one of his escort her when she leaves. Smart, ruthless, hardass though she is, she’s a weakling when it comes to combat. Can’t even hold a gun straight to literally save her own life.”

“What would you have done if I’d told you when I was seventeen that I was bisexual?”

There’s a beat, and then, John answers, “Probably ended up dealing with a pissed off teenager’s rant about how bisexuality is a real, valid thing.”

He’s both surprised and not.

“And now, seriously?”

“Glibness aside, that was a real answer. I’ve gotten better, but for a long time, I didn’t understand or particularly believe in bisexuality. I probably would have pointed out you’d never had a girlfriend and likely hadn’t done much, if anything, with any girl. If you’d done something with other boys or just found yourself wanting to, then, either you’d realise how much preferable girls were when you finally were with them, or you’d find out, no, you were on the right track.”

Before he can respond, John sighs. “Look, maybe, part of it is about people knowing, but that’s not all.”

“Then, what?”

Getting up, John wanders around the room. “When I was eighteen, I had four choices: Army, jail, Canada, or SHIELD. I chose SHIELD, and maybe, it’s not what I would have chosen if I’d had more options, but it’s been good to me. I don’t regret where I’ve ended up. But look at me.”

“I am. What am I not seeing?”

“You’re seeing it. You just don’t realise- I want something different, now. I don’t know if I’ll ever get it. Hell, leaving could be the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. But I have to try.”

“I’m over fifty years old, Grant. In some ways, I’m more metal than man, but unlike Stark, that doesn’t come with youthful good looks, billions of dollars, and a cute little redheaded Girl Friday. Do you know when the last time I had sex was? By the way, that’s sort of a serious question. I don’t really remember. The last time I had a truly memorable experience in that regard, I was around your age. I refuse to believe that was actually the last time, though.”

“No, sorry,” he says. “I’ve never known anything about your personal life in that regard.”

John shrugs. “I’d be crap at a relationship. Before I ever had any feelings towards anyone, I knew that. As a little kid, I saw good relationships and bad, and I knew I’d never be able or willing to put in the work to make a good one. And I know that things aren’t going to be as easy as walking into a bar and striking up a conversation, but-” He trails off.

“What’s keeping you from finding someone here? SHIELD doesn’t require a vow of celibacy, John.”

“No, but in addition to being a gay man in his fifties with extensive scarring and the implants, it’s another barrier. The rules regarding fraternisation are loose and, frankly, ill-defined. Being with someone under level 7 would be asking for trouble, and I can see that look on your face, so, I’ll clarify, the kind of trouble even I know better than to ever ask for.”

“There aren’t that many level 7s, and of the few there are- no. I doubt anyone level 8 or higher would want to risk someone lower, which I can respect. That leaves civilians, and I’d never say SHIELD, soldiers, or spies shouldn’t have meaningful relationships with civilians. I would say, it’s not something that’d be a good idea for me. I’m not going to put any civilians in unnecessary danger or worry about them somehow finding out something I was supposed to make sure stayed locked down.”

“So,” John sits down at his table, “there it is. I don’t really know what I want anymore, but I want something different. I had a good run. Even before this came out, though, I rarely go on field missions anymore. Doyle was a favour that, in the end, didn’t do any of the parties involved any good. And now, people look at me differently. Remember how I told you can never truly, fully control how people see you, son, no matter how good at espionage you are?”

He nods.

“Well, that’s true. It’s just-” A sad smile crosses John’s face. “For a long time, I saw myself a certain way. How other people saw me, it was comfortable. It served me well, and I knew how to use it. Mostly. Of course, there were those like Hand who’d have had me locked in the Icebox if she could have found anyway at all to swing it, but hey, can’t blame her. The jackass wildcard who couldn’t feel shame to save his own life, that was me.”

Taking a breath, he accepts John’s leaving. All the solutions he could propose, none of them are likely going to give John back the ability to see himself the way-

“I can accept all this. I could have accepted this before I went AWOL after having an uncomfortable conversation in Hill’s office. I’ve always gotten the feeling she doesn’t like me, but it turns out, that was preferable to her feeling bad for me. Why didn’t you lay this all out for me in the beginning, sir? Or at least, laid something out?”

“I’m sorry.” John catches his eyes. “I should have. Before I leave, I’ll try my best to help get you out of this mess.”

He shakes his head. “No. Don’t worry about it. I’ve got things handled.”

“What’s the plan?”

“Let me handle things, John. On my own.”

“Okay,” John agrees. “They give you quarters?”

It’s now or never, he realises. John once told him, ‘You want something, you either earn it, or you try to take it. Don’t sit around doing without.’

Of course, when it comes to things like sex and love, even John would agree, if it’s not freely given, you learn to live without. Some things should never be forced on, taken from, or coerced away from others.

He has to try, though, to see if there’s a chance John will give him some of what he’s wanted for so long.

Taking a breath, he walks over to the table, and John stands up.

Before he can listen to the parts trying to talk him out of this, he kisses John.

“Whoa.” John pushes him away. “Where’s this coming from? What’s going on, Grant?”

“Part of what I’ve wanted since I was seventeen.”

“That-” John resumes pacing. “When was your last psych eval.?”

“I’m not sure if I should be more insulted for me or for you.”

Thankfully, this causes a chuckle, and John stills. “Okay. It’s only fair you throw me a curveball after I threw you for one. This would be an incredibly bad idea on multiple levels for numerous reasons.”

Fatigue suddenly hits him.

“It boils down to yes or no, John. Sometimes, life is simple. Do you want this? I do. Dr Chang gave me permission to sleep in the bay tonight. If you say no, I’ll go get settled in. If you say yes, I’ll sleep here. With you.”

“This isn’t a simple- No.”

It probably does say some screwed up things about him that he wants to punch John.

“Fine. I’m pretty sure you’re lying based on the way you started to respond, but- I hope I’ll see you at breakfast, sir.”

He’s halfway to the door when his arm is grabbed. “Grant-”

Twisting away, he tries not to sigh. “You’ve said no. I’m not pushing. Be fair, and don’t keep- You know what I want.”

“Look-” John rubs his eyes. “Were you listening a few minutes ago?”

“Yes.”

“And you were able to recognise how you apply- You know what? More than that, I’ll repeat: Where is this coming from?”

“I was seventeen, and this seductive man made me an offer. Most of the reason I said ‘yes’ was because I was scared, curious, and didn’t see how anything could be worse than what I was already facing.” He shrugs. “Most, not all. Likewise, I told you the truth when you asked why I stayed. I just didn’t also tell you that I wanted to see you again.”

“Uh, yeah, I was operating under the assumption you were straight for years. It wouldn’t have matter if I’d known sooner, because, I still wouldn’t have had a chance. Maybe some part of you is always going to see me as the scared, angry, stupid kid. I hope not, but most of the reasons, they don’t apply to me in any meaningful way, John.”

“Oh, yeah? How so?”

“I’m not asking for a relationship. I’ve seen you naked, and you know that I’ve never had any problem seeing your scars and burns and implants. I’m level 6, but since you’re leaving in less than a month, does that really matter? And if I wanted to hack into your laptop, I’d get that girl with three different hair colours from the Playground to help me, not sleep with you.”

“It still amazes me you can disarm a nuclear warhead, but when it comes to hacking a simple laptop-” John shakes his head.

“Deflection. Am I missing anything?”

John sighs. “Are you sure you want this, Grant? With me? Sometimes, loyalty and devotion can-”

“I’m not a teenager, but if you want a pissed off rant, keep going down that line. I’m loyal to my fellow agents. I’m devoted to Buddy. I respect Fury, and I admire Barton, Romanoff, and Agent May.”

“You’re telling me, if you had a chance with Romanoff-”

“Her codename is Black Widow, and she used to work for one of our enemies. I’ve seen her in action. The only way I’d get a chance is either she was planning to kill me, distract me, or entrap me into something bad.”

John kisses him, and when it breaks, everything feels different in ways he can’t fully explain to himself.

“If your offer’s still open, I’d like to change my answer to, ‘Yes.’”

…

After they’d cleaned up, John had slipped back into a shirt, but he hadn’t bothered to get any of his own clothes.

Now, John’s curled around him, and feeling John fall fully into sleep, he knows he needs to stop fighting the drowsiness, but he’s never felt this good before. He wants to hold onto this for as long as possible.

All the facts, this might be one of the last times he ever sees John, he’s going to have to deal with the consequences of his going AWOL soon, are vague things sitting in the far distance. Everything is calm, peaceful, and there’s no feelings of hurt or worry. His body feels wonderful, and being able to feel John’s breathing, the press of John against him, in some ways, it’s producing a closer feeling of connection than even sex had.

Finally, giving into the sleep tugging at him, he finds himself in soft, comfortable dreams devoid of his parents, older brother, and the lives he’s been forced to take in order to protect innocent people.

…

“Oh, come on, I never pushed you in any pools.”

“No, just a lake, a river, and that one time you pushed me into the ocean from about eight hundred feet in the air.”

“First of all, I pushed you and a parachute out three seconds before it exploded. Second, it was six hundred feet. And third, show some loyalty. I should be allowed to...”

As soon as they make the corner into the dining hall, the smell of food hits him, and he suddenly realises he’s incredibly hungry.

“Agent Garrett!”

Looking over, he sees a black agent wave at them.

“Ah, Trip. Here’s someone you might end up paired up with someday.”

Following John over, he manages to snag a bowl of cereal.

“Grant, this is Agent Antoine Triplett. Hell of a combat medic. Trip, this is Agent Grant Ward, one of my former specialists.”

Setting the cereal down, he shakes the other man’s hand. “Agent Trip.”

“Good to meet you, Agent Ward. Garrett here talks about you all the time.”

“I’m not sure how long you’ve been here, but some friendly advice: Agent Garrett is a storyteller. Take everything he says with a grain of salt.”

Trip laughs. “Yeah, I figured that out my first week. You?”

“Better than me.”

They get breakfast, and he knows last night probably has something to do with how delicious all the food is, but it’s been a long time since he’s found himself enjoying food this much.

“Hey.” John looks at him with concern. “When’s the last time you ate, son?”

“Lunch on the plane. I’m fine.”

“You should have said something last night. We could have-”

“Dr Chang offered me run of the doctor’s lounge. I thought other things were more important.” He looks over at Trip. “Combat medic, does that mean you’re a doctor, too?”

Laughing, Trip shakes his head. “Nah. I was a paramedic for two years before joining. Turns out, I prefer being out in the field, doing things to prevent injuries instead of waiting to go in when they happen.”

“That’s how I ended up bringing down three planes in China,” John says. “Trip here took exception to some girls and women not on our radar being trafficked, and so, he highjacked me and Doyle’s Intel-gathering on this warlord. Ended up with Doyle in a safe house, our two-seater jet crammed literally foot-to-ceiling with twenty-three passengers plus us, and three high-tech planes on our ass.”

John breaks into a big grin. “It was the most fun I’d had in a long time.”

“Man, Agent Garrett’s one hell of a pilot. Good with kids, too. One of them, a little girl, only ten years old, was highly autistic, didn’t understand a word of English, and at the time, we couldn’t figure out what language she might be able to understand. Turns out, Lower Yangtze Mandarin is the answer. Add in the fact she was in a situation that would majorly stress out a good number of adults- Still, he managed to get her calm.”

He nods.

When he was seventeen, he wouldn’t have believed anyone who told him Agent Garrett was good with kids. He didn’t think Garrett was the type to actually do anything truly harmful to them, but he’d translated, “I like kids,” to: I can be a bigger jackass towards little kids than I can towards most adults.

Then, he’d seen John around kids, and he’d realised he was wrong. John has a knack for knowing when a kid is an actual terror-in-the-making and when a good kid is acting out due to problems. Of course, he’ll take almost any audience he can get for his stories, but it’d been a true shock to watch him sit quietly and listen to mostly nonsensical thoughts and stories pour of a little kid’s mouth. He’d asked serious questions, and there’d been a distinctive lack of sarcasm.

Another time, he and John had ended up having a tea party and running around a playground with another kid. The kid had absolutely loved John, and he- well, he didn’t make the kid cry. Mostly, he was just this grown up who put a damper on their fun by not understanding the rules of their games or the etiquette of the tea party and quietly reminding John what exactly Fury would do if it came out an agent of SHIELD had helped a kid actually raid an ice-cream truck.

“I’m teaching valuable life skills in a fun, no-pressure environment!” had been John’s attempt at arguing.

Seeing as how the kid is now practically all grown and already has three new flavours of ice-cream out in the market, John might have been onto something, but he knows stopping the plans for ambush-and-raid had been the right thing to do even if he’s never received so much as a sample in contrast to the literal gallons John has been sent.

“How was the fallout with Doyle?”

John scoffs. “Eh, what’d you expect.”

Trip, he notices, is pointedly quiet, but his expression makes it clear he doesn’t have a high opinion of Doyle, either.

….

At lunch, he and Trip are playing Battleship when John, Hand, and one of her aides come over.

He and Trip stand, but she waves them to sit back down.

“We’re having issues with our communications. I’ve sent Agent Hill an email, but if she’s responded, I haven’t received her reply yet. You’re going to stay here tonight, Agent Ward. Hopefully, by tomorrow, contact will be firmly re-established.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Quarters will be arranged by 1800.”

“I’ll sleep with Agent Garrett.”

It takes less than a second to realise what he just said, but thankfully, John is laughing. “Told Fury your espionage training was lacking in certain areas. No romance or poetry in this one. Just expects to waltz in, no flowers or fancy dinner, and have his wicked way.”

“I really wish Director Fury had listened to you, sir. It would have saved us from the failure that was New Zealand.”

“Speak for yourself.” John sits down next to him. “I managed to salvage it. But before then, I was literally feeding you lines over the comm. You screwing up _that_ badly- I still don’t get how that happened.”

He shrugs. “It’s not the lack of flowers or fancy dinners, it’s a lack of a silver tongue.”

“Might have a point.” John glances at Hand. “Anyway, my couch is plenty comfortable. No need to find him quarters for one night.”

Unwrapping his sandwich, John continues, “Hey, speaking of romance, you got anyone special right now?”

He’ll never be able to prove this, but he has the strong feeling John is asking this now, because, John believes this is the best chance at getting an honest answer.

“No, sir. Most of the people on Hill’s base are married couples and their kids.”

“What about that mail lady taking care of Buddy? Any possibility there?”

“Lynnie Nail, and no. She’s, uh- Remember that girl in Egypt who read your palm?”

John nods.

“Make her prettier and add intelligence around Tony Stark’s level, and you’ve got Lynnie.”

“Ah, yeah. You’ve always done better with extroverts.”

Trip looks between them. “Buddy?”

“My dog. For the record, I didn’t name him.”

“There’s nothing wrong with Buddy’s name. It’s a good name for a dog.”

Noticing Hand has wandered off, he sees her aide has sat down at a nearby table with a book.

“Hey, I technically have a roommate, but she’s unofficially living with her girlfriend. You’re welcome to crash with me tonight.”

“Thanks for the offer, but there are some things John and I need to catch up on before I head back.”

…

After lunch, John has paperwork to fill out (and naturally, not being able to foist it on him or Trip means he might literally be sleeping on John’s couch and Trip might be in danger of whatever petty revenge John’s twisted brain can come up with), and he goes running with Trip.

Later, Trip passes him a water bottle. “Hey, can I ask you a personal question?”

He nods.

“When the hack happened, did you know about it?”

“No. I didn’t know until Hand was visiting us.”

“Yeah, I figured that was probably the case. I’m, uh, sorry. I thought about contacting you, but it wasn’t my place.”

“It’s not surprising. We were transporting a prisoner once, a real stoic, and John was being his normal self. The only comment she made was he’s the type who’s always talking but doesn’t really say much.” He takes a drink. “Took me a long time to figure that out on my own.”

Trip makes a sympathetic noise. “How are you holding up?”

“I’m fine. I’ve accepted he’s leaving, and I know he can handle himself out there.”

“Doesn’t mean all this doesn’t hurt.”

“He ever tell you the story of how we met and I joined SHIELD?”

“Not really. Said a quartermaster buddy of his told him about you when you were seventeen and he flew down to meet you. Come eighteen, you were enrolled in SHIELD academy. I’ve always thought there was a lot more to the story, but when Agent Garrett doesn’t give every detail imaginable and his thoughts and feelings on it, there’s a good reason.”

Chuckling, he looks over. “Do you want to hear the story?”

“Sure.”

When he’s done, Trip’s quiet for a moment. “Okay, I definitely don’t agree with some of his methods, but you owe him a lot, huh?”

“Not to hear him tell it.” He finds himself adding, “Part of the reason he did it was, he found it fun. But I really think he had more altruistic motives than he’d ever admit. And that most people would understand.”

“This should be interesting to hear.”

“He could have arranged for a psychiatrist to see me right away, done everything by the book, and I might have still ended up in SHIELD. My family- I don’t have a family. I had a little brother and a sister who married young. Little brother’s doing fine, but he doesn’t want anything to do with me, and so, I respect that. I have no idea where our sister might be. The other three are just-”

“People you’re unfortunate enough to share enough blood with that the law classifies you as something you’re not to each other?”

“Yeah, that’s a good way of putting it. They were terrible, and I finally hit the breaking point in a big way when I was seventeen. When John dumped this angry, confused, scared person, not a boy anymore, not a man yet, out in the middle of nowhere, told me what my options were, and then, drove off, for the first time in my life, I had the opportunity to really consider what I wanted and needed. I had the ability to do something to get those things without anyone influencing me for good or bad.”

“I think, in the way only John Garrett can, he was showing a sort of kindness. Giving me what he believed I deserved without making himself into some kind of saviour or hero for doing it.”

Trip smiles. “Still can’t say I fully agree with it, but yeah, that does fit with what I’ve seen of him. Want to see if you can beat my score at the range?”

“I’ll be happy to see if you can beat mine.”

Laughing, Trip offers him a hand up.

…

During supper, Hand appears, and he never really paid much attention to John’s rants likening her to a vampire before, but ever since lunch, she’s been appearing and, then, quickly disappearing into and from his line-of-sight. He’s half-worried she’s found out about him being AWOL, but then, he doubts she’d waste any time in having him detained.

Waving them to stay seated, she says, “Agent Ward, you’re required to take a lie detector test before you leave. Report to my office at 0700.”

Before he can respond, John asks, “Just him?”

“All departing individuals. Our communications are still having problems. I’ve been assured it’s most likely the system updating, but it’s prudent we make sure no one manages to flee with any classified data.”

“I’ll be there, ma’am.”

“Which of the K boys is administering the test?”

If her glare is anything to go by, John’s seemingly neutral question is not neutral.

“Agent Koenig might be a robot,” Trip informs him. “Or a clone. I’d never heard of identical triplets or quadruplets before, but there’s, at least, three of them. Maybe more.”

“Yeah, and they all wear their IDs in plain sight, but Vic here doesn’t exactly trust them not to pull a Freaky Friday.”

“Watch yourself, Agent Garrett. And for the record, you’re thinking of the Lindsay Lohan remake of The Parent Trap.”

She walks away, and sighing, Trip digs out his wallet. Handing John a twenty, he explains, “Hartley and Hand are close. You know how some people hate everyone, but then, they find that one person who figures out all their buttons, but instead of setting them off, they manage to become that person’s best friend? Well, Agent Isabelle Hartley is that person for Agent Hand.”

“Hartley loves comparing remakes to originals.”

“Yeah, but I never thought she’d convince Hand to actually sit through any of them. She hates most forms of fiction, and she’d rather read something than watch it on-screen.”

John makes a small sound. “Hartley’s good for her.”

…

Concentrating on bringing his heart-rate down, he watches John slip on a shirt.

“You know, your antsiness over the sleeping arrangements in Peru suddenly make a lot more sense.”

He thinks he manages to avoid rolling his eyes. “Don’t flatter yourself.” When John turns off the lights, he adds, “Turn on the TV.”

When he was little, he never had a night-light, and if this was ever a problem, he genuinely doesn’t remember it. Thomas, on the other hand, couldn’t sleep without one due to a fear of monsters (and maybe it’s not something that deserves credit, but he gives himself some anyways for never telling Thomas, ‘Here’s what Mom and Dad have done to me and Christian; they’re the real monsters, you’re just lucky that you’re the only one of us Mom doesn’t hate’), and he’d half-sleep on Thomas’s floor to keep Christian from sneaking in to take it away.

John’s the type, though, who simply sleeps better if there’s some light and noise, and in fact, he’s witnessed John easily sleeping in a fully lit room several times.

Curling around him, John says, “I don’t need it.”

Getting out of bed, he turns it on himself, and deciding to be the bigger person and ignore John deliberately jabbing an ice-cold foot against his leg, he adjusts his pillow.

Yawning, John kisses his chest with a mumble of, “Night, Grant,” and with a jolt, he finds himself rapidly following John into sleep.

…

“I’ve seen how well you can take care of yourself, but the fact you aren’t telling me anything about how you plan to handle things is worrying me.”

He’s not telling John, because, he has a good idea how John would react.

The plan is: Go back to Hill, get thrown in the brig, and once John’s officially retired, he’s going to throw himself at her mercy by admitting exactly how he feels about John. Say he couldn’t handle knowing John might disappear without him seeing him one last time.

He’ll tell the meat of the truth, but if he has to lie about certain other things, he will. No, John didn’t know he was AWOL. No, he didn’t tell John about his feelings. It was a completely normal visit from John’s side of things.

“I’m not going to run, and I’m not going to hurt anyone, including myself. That’s all you need to know. Now, would you hurry up and take your shower? I want to get breakfast before I go to Hand.”

“You can take it first. Or if you’re up for it, we can both take it now.”

Mentally kicking himself for not even considering this, he grabs John as he heads to the bathroom.

…

“Agent Ward Grant?” A short, rotound man with big eyes smiles up at him.

“It’s Grant Ward,” he corrects. Nodding to Hand, he adds, “Ma’am.”

“Oh, sorry. My brothers, Billy and Eric, are the ones with a knack for names. Anyway, hi, I’m Sam Koenig.” He holds his lanyard up. “This should be different from other lie detector tests you’ve taken. We’ve been working on making it both more comfortable and accurate. Over here, please.”

He follows over to a plush recliner with what looks like a hair dryer above it.

“Don’t worry, it doesn’t go on your head. It scans brainwaves, but it’s completely safe. No radiation. Please, take off your shoes, socks, belt, and watch before sitting down.”

Putting them all in a nearby tray, he does.

“I’m going to put a scanner on your wrist. Non-dominant hand, please.”

He holds up his left hand.

Putting the scanner on, Koenig says, “Now, try to sit still. When it comes to answering questions, feel free to elaborate when necessary, but try not to overthink things. We aren’t strictly sticking to questions that can be answered with yes, no, and monosyllabic answers.”

“I understand.”

“Good. Is that comfortable?”

“Yes. It’s fine.”

Sitting down, Hand begins doing paperwork.

Koenig picks up a tablet. “Ready to start?”

“Yes.”

“What is your full name?”

“Grant Douglas Ward.”

“Please list your immediate family.”

“Two parents, a sister, two brothers. I don’t have contact with any of them.”

Based on the sympathetic look Koenig gives him, he knows the machine picked up some of the feelings about this he’s trying his best to shove down.

“What is the difference between an egg and a rock?”

“An egg is food. A rock is strictly a tool.”

“Why did you come to the Hub?”

“To escort Agent Hand here from my base and to see Agent Garrett.”

“How did you feel when Agent Hill gave you this assignment?”

“Agent Hill was in a meeting the day we left. I didn’t know when Agent Hand was leaving or where she was going. I, uh- I didn’t know she usually had an escort. Until she told me otherwise, I thought I might be seeing her off with Agent Hill, but I wasn’t completely sure of that, either.”

“Okay. How did you feel when you realised you were coming here?”

“A mixture of emotions. I learned Agent Garrett was retiring and hadn’t contacted me about this. I needed to see him, but I knew it might be unpleasant once I did.”

“You wash up on a deserted island, alone. Sitting on the sand is a box. What’s in that box?”

“Were there ever people on the island?”

“You’re overthinking it. Just say the first thing that comes to your head.”

“A pistol.”

“Have you given anyone any classified information while you’ve been here?”

“No.”

“Has anyone given you any classified information while you’ve been here?”

“Not to my knowledge.”

“Have you sought out any classified information while you’ve been here?”

“No.”

“Has anyone sought out any classified information from you while you’ve been here?”

“Not to my knowledge.”

“Do you have anything to do with the communication issues the Hub’s system has been experiencing?”

“As far as I know, no. I haven’t done anything to tamper with the system, and I don’t know what’s causing the issues.”

“Have you ever stolen a car?”

“Yes. On three different assignments, I’ve commandeered vehicles, and when I was seventeen, I stole a car to drive to my parents’ house from military school.”

“You don’t like your family, do you, Agent Ward?”

“I care about my little brother, and I don’t wish anything bad on my sister. The other three, I don’t consider them family.”

“Not my place to judge,” Koenig says with a sympathetic smile. “My brothers and I haven’t always gotten along, and my sister- oh, the stories I could tell. But I can’t imagine my life without any of them. Anyway, moving on. Do you have any plans to overtake SHIELD?”

“No.”

“Do you have any plans to destroy SHIELD?”

“No.”

“Do you have any plans to cause harm to anyone within SHIELD?”

“That depends. I take my duty to protect my fellow agents and innocent civilians seriously. If someone within SHIELD is a direct threat to me, innocent civilians, or any loyal members of SHIELD, I will use any force necessary to stop them.”

“Do you have any pets?”

“Yes. A dog named Buddy. I wasn’t the one who named him.”

“Do you have any children?”

“No.”

“Have you ever been married?”

“No.”

“Was your meeting with Agent Garrett unpleasant?”

“At first. I yelled at him, he explained his reasons, and I calmed down. There was a point where I was tempted to punch him, but I didn’t. We’ve had a good time catching up since then.”

“What do you think of the Patriots?”

He can’t help but groan.

“You don’t need to expand on that, Agent Ward. Read loud and clear. What are your plans when you go back to your base?”

“Whatever Agent Hill has planned for me.”

“What would you do if she demanded classified information regarding Agent Hand or anyone or anything else at the Hub?”

“First, I don’t have any classified information to give her. Second, Agent Hill wouldn’t do that. She’s one of Director Fury’s most trusted agents. But if I was given classified information she didn’t have authorisation to receive and she gave such an order, I’d refuse to follow it.”

“What if she had you tortured?”

“I’m trained to withstand torture.”

“What if she hurt or threatened to hurt your dog, Buddy?”

“I love Buddy, but I’d never put an animal above my duties. All him being hurt or threatened would do is make me even more determined to stop the person who did it. See them punished.”

“How do you feel about Agent John Garrett?”

Hand clears her throat, and they both look over.

Looking at Koenig, she shakes her head.

It’s probably a good thing he doesn’t have to answer this, but the fact she’s nixing the question is- interesting in a way he’s not sure whether it’s good or bad.

“Disregard that question, and look back at me, Agent Ward.”

He does.

“Try to stay still, please. If Agent Garrett ordered you to divulge classified information you had that he wasn’t authorised to have, would you give it to him?”

“That- Agent Garrett can be impulsive, a storyteller, has a somewhat twisted sense of humour, and is occasionally hard to convince of things. I’d need to know the exact circumstances in play before I could answer that honestly.”

Koenig raises an eyebrow. “Are you saying there are circumstances in play in which the answer would be, ‘Yes.’?”

If he finds out John has done something, he’s going to kill him.

Right after he somehow manages to save both of them.

“I don’t know. I met J- Agent Garrett when I was seventeen and in a really bad place in my life. He got me out, and more than being a superior officer, more than being my former direct SO, he’s a friend. If he could convince me the well-being of SHIELD was contingent on him having the information, I- probably would.”

 _Well, this is wonderful_ , floats through his head. _AWOL, admitting classified information isn’t 100% safe,_ _this is only going to get worse._

As always, this mental voice is a bizarre combination of John and Christian.

“Take a deep breath, Agent Ward. The fact you acknowledge there are situations where things aren’t always black-and-white when it comes to duty and loved ones shows you’re realistic in your self-reflection, at least. Have you told any lies since you’ve arrived at the Hub?”

“There are things I haven’t told certain people about my feelings regarding certain personal things, but I haven’t directly lied to anyone.”

“Did you bring Buddy with you to the Hub?”

“No. A friend is babysitting him.”

“What’s your favourite colour?”

“Blue.”

“Alright, that should do it. Stay seated until I remove the scanner.”

…

John and Trip are waiting outside Hand’s office.

“How’d it go,” Trip asks.

“I haven’t been thrown in the brig.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing. I ever tell either of you about the time Sitwell deliberately rigged the questioning to get me thrown in the brig when I was being questioned about a mission in Istanbul?”

Trip looks at him instead of John. “Did it work?”

“If John had lied, it probably would have. Instead, he admitted he deliberately compromised Sitwell. And then, he yelled at Fury for about thirty minutes.”

Stifling a laugh, Trip asks, “Why’d you compromise Agent Sitwell, sir?”

John shakes his head. “Our history isn’t one for the faint of heart.”

He squeezes John’s arm.

“Right. Well, I need to get back to my duties. Take care of yourself, Ward.” Trip offers his fist.

Fistbumping him, he says, “I will. It was good to meet you, Trip.” He takes a breath. “And, uh, do me a favour? Look out for Agent Garrett here until he leaves.”

“Hey, I’m the one who flew his ass to safety even after he decided 23 girls were more important than my mission.”

“You got it,” Trip agrees.

…

In the landing bay, John hands him a wrapped package and thermos. “Here.”

“Oh, roast beef. Thank you.”

“Least I could do. Take care of yourself, alright, s- Grant?”

He nods. “I will. Don’t worry. You’ve trained me well.”

“All the same, if you do need help, contact me.”

“I will.”

It hits him how much he really doesn’t want to go.

Pushing this aside, he puts the sandwich and thermos in his bag. “This is going to come out of nowhere, but: Why’d you give me Buddy?”

John chuckles. “I wondered if you’d ever ask that. You can be a soft touch sometimes. I took Buddy away from some bad people, and then, I realised: I don’t have the time, energy, or patience for a dog. Was going to drop him in a no-kill shelter after I left you, but I decided it probably wouldn’t be a terrible idea if I just left him with you.”

He doesn’t know what to do with the realisation: _And you wanted me to keep some of that softness_.

“I hope wherever you end up next is somewhere good, John. I’d do the typical ‘it’s been an honour and privilege’, but you already know it goes deeper. Try not to end up on the ten o’ clock news, okay?”

John winks. “I’ll promise to try not to have too much fun if you promise you’ll try to make the higher ups a little nervous every now and then.”

“Deal.”

They hug, and he wonders if this hollow, raw feeling is here to stay for good.

…

Hill jumps slightly when she turns to see him. “Agent Ward. This is why Fury doesn’t want you around when he visits. It looks like you’re feeling better. Are you up for resuming your duties?”

Even if John decided to do something, there’s no way he could have worked this fast.

“Ma’am?”

Handing a tablet to someone, she continues, “You better call Miss Nail before she comes in. Oh, and she left the money you left for Buddy with me. She had to buy Buddy a new leash. That rat the scientists are constantly whining about ruined his old one.”

“Agent Hill, what exactly did Lynnie tell you was going on?”

She raises an eyebrow. “That you left Buddy in her car with a note explaining those flu shots were having a delayed reaction. We’ve been having communication issues since before Agent Hand left. You should really thank Miss Nail for more than just taking him on such short notice. When you didn’t show up for duty or answer my pages, I was going to dispatch security to your quarters, but she told me about you being sick and pointed out you probably had sent an email or text that we weren’t getting and that you might not be receiving the pages.”

Remembering the note, he can retrospectively see how Lynnie could come to such a conclusion.

Following to her office, he waits until the door is closed to say, “The first thing I need to say, ma’am, is: Lynnie Nail didn’t lie to you about anything. However, she was operating under false intel. I wasn’t-”

“Grant, do you really think I wouldn’t send someone to check on a potentially sick agent? In addition to this, she showed me the note you left. I don’t think you intended for her to get the idea you were sick, but considering everything, it wasn’t an illogical conclusion on her end.”

“I promised Miss Nail I’d let you get some rest, and then, I sent her home with your dog so that she wouldn’t get in my way with her both well-placed and misplaced concern. Oh, and by the way, there was enough communication stabilisation for me to speak to Victoria. One of the first things she mentioned was that you were safely settled in.”

He sets his badge on her desk.

Sitting down, she turns on her computer.

Realising she’s going to make him wait, he starts playing Upwords in his head.

Finally, she looks up from her computer. “Was it worth it?”

“I don’t know.”

“That’s interesting. What did Agent Garrett say about you going AWOL?”

“I’m only going to speak for myself. Whatever Agent Garrett did or didn’t know, he can speak for himself.”

She scoffs. “I know why you did it. On a personal, non-agent level, I can’t particularly blame you. Why’d you come back?”

“Running would only make things worse.”

“True.” She glances back at her computer. “What would you do if you were in my position, Agent Ward?”

“I’d never be in your position, ma’am. I’m not a leader or even a team player.”

“Imagine you were.”

Repressing a sigh, he shakes his head. “With all due respect, we both know doing so would be flawed to the point of pointlessness. I don’t think what I did was too bad. I’d probably feel differently about someone else doing it. You’re willing to listen to any excuses I might have, and I’m sure some people would have a good one. I don’t. Therefore, I’m not making any.”

“I’d take a bad excuse at this point.”

“I did what I did, Agent Hill. I’m not going to protest whatever punishment is given to me.”

“How do you think Agent Garrett would feel about this?”

“If you want to involve him, it’s going to be a bigger headache for you than it’s going to have any real impact on me.”

“That’s true.”

She stands up, and he finds himself reflexively catching his badge. “You’re restricted to base for thirty days. During this time, you’re restricted to your quarters when off-duty with exception of bathroom breaks for Buddy. If I suspect you’re using him to get more time out of quarters, he’s going straight back to Miss Nail’s house and staying until your thirty days are up. I’m revoking internet and telephone access from your quarters, and outside, it’s restricted to use for official duties only. You don’t have a TV, do you?”

“No, ma’am.” Before he can fully process all this, he adds, “I have a CD player radio and some CDs.”

“Eh, you can keep that. It’s not too hard to block all musical stations. Enjoy your CDs and whatever talk shows you find. Your quarters will be inspected today, and your personal cellphone will be taken. Your SHIELD-issued one will be monitored 24/7 until your punishment is over. Any questions, objections, or concerns?”

“Ma’am- 30 days restriction?”

“I thought you weren’t going to complain.”

“I’m not. You’re the one who helped me brush up on the SHIELD handbook, Agent Hill. We both know this can barely be called a slap on the wrist in this instance.”

For a moment, she’s quiet. “There is a reason why what you did is against rules and regulations. The fact there weren’t doesn’t negate the fact there _could_ have been extremely bad things that happened due to your actions or exacerbated because of them. However, this being said, there are other higher-ups who have done much worse in their day, and well, they’re higher-ups now. Most people can understand this wasn’t an irresponsible flight of fancy or a malicious action with intent to harm or cause trouble.”

“This isn’t a slap on the wrist. This is a warning. I have my doubts about it’s effectiveness. In the future, if you decide to do this again, remembering this won’t deter you. If you don’t do this in the future, it’ll most likely be because nothing incites you to even consider it. But if you do, do something like this again, I will try my hardest to have the book thrown at you, Grant.”

“I won’t listen to any excuses. I will try my best to make sure no one else does, either. I will remind everyone I gave you a second chance.”

“Understood, ma’am.”

“You’re allowed to eat in the dining hall. You resume normal duties tomorrow morning. Do you need lunch?”

“No. I ate on the plane.”

Handing him the envelope of money, she points to her phone. “Call Miss Nail, and then, I’ll be conducting the search of your quarters.”

…

In a bistro, John Garrett sits down. “Buy you a drink?”

Scoffing, Raina sips her tea. “How’s your Agent Ward doing?”

“Don’t pretend that matters to you, Flowers. He’s no longer on the board.”

“It’s a shame. He could have been a helpful piece.”

“Yeah, well,” Garrett sighs, “he deserves better than that.”

“You have a very interesting idea of what that means. My guess is, outwardly, he’s fine. Maybe a little more closed off than he was even before, but no signs of depression, anger, or sadness. When he finds out you-”

“If. If he finds out. Assuming this works, there’ll be no need for him to.”

“It’ll work,” she replies.

“I hope so. You ready to go?”

She nods, and setting her cup aside, she smiles.

Rolling his eyes, he stands, and offering his hand, he pulls her up.

...

On day thirteen, Hill calls Grant to her office.

“Ma’am.”

“Sit down, Agent Ward.”

He complies.

“This- there was a mistake made. We’re not sure how it happened. You- were listed as fallen in action.”

“I- okay. I don’t think I understand, ma’am.”

“We don’t think this was another hack, but we’re not sure what it was. Yesterday, two people claiming to be agents showed up at Thomas Ward’s apartment with a flag and picture of you. Either these two individuals didn't have access to a full list of your accomplishments or they were idiots for not considering the fact they didn’t have any of your medals.”

Bowing his head, he takes several deep breaths.

Well, if there was any chance of Thomas not hating him one day, this just permanently ruined it. Unless he can convince everyone to not correct Thomas on the situation, his little brother will never believe this isn’t a stunt he didn’t pull.

Nothing to be done, he tells himself. Thomas is away from their parents and Christian. He has a good job, a place to live, and friends.

Sitting back up, he asks, “Is Thomas okay?”

“He’s very confused. Someone started to realise something was going on when he asked about funeral arrangements and no one knew where your body was. Two hours ago, I was contacted by Agent May, and she’s pissed at me and everyone besides your brother.” Sighing, she sardonically adds, “Apparently, dealing with your confused, grief-stricken brother wasn’t a fun experience.”

“Eventually, it was confirmed you are not, in fact, deceased and, in fact, are on active duty. I suspect her having to explain this to your brother also didn’t help her mood much.”

“Why is Thomas’s address listed anywhere within SHIELD? I’ve made it very clear via numerous forms that, in the event of my death, no one in my immediate family is to be contacted. My AHD clearly states what I want done with my body, and if John Garrett is still around, my medals, the flag, and all my personal possessions go to him. Buddy goes to a no-kill shelter. Trust me, if Christian or my parents ever got their hands on him- SHIELD would be directly responsible for animal cruelty and abuse.”

She rubs her head. “I can’t find Thomas’s address anywhere within in SHIELD. We’re trying to figure out who exactly these two supposed agents were and how they got any information regarding you and your brother, and yes, I know. Making that face isn’t going to make it any clearer that this is an extremely messed up situation. But we’re trying our best to fix things.”

“Your numerous forms are part of why Agent May has been making phone calls for almost 24-hours straight. Um, as for Buddy, I hope nothing ever happens to you while he’s still alive, but I’m telling you right now: Either change that, or I will find a way to override your will in that regard. Buddy would go live with Lynnie Nail. It’s not as if there’s not a precedent for her and her admin. friend taking SHIELD animals that they don’t actually have any rights towards.”

He sighs. “What do I need to do to help figure this out?”

She shifts. “Thomas wants to talk to you. May wouldn’t give your information to him, but she has threatened to personally call your private cell phone for him to leave a voicemail if I don’t get you on the phone with him soon. I can’t order you to talk to him, Grant, but I’m asking you: Please, talk to him.”

“This is going to go badly.”

Giving him a confused look, she says, “Whatever issues you’ve had with your family, I’ve always assumed Thomas was the one member you didn’t actually despise.”

“I don’t. That doesn’t mean the feeling’s mutual. The last time I saw him, he was scared of me, and he asked me never to contact him again.”

“ _Your kid brother is hurt by what you did with the fire,”_ _John said._ _“And obviously, I wasn’t there, but he believes you hurt him in the past. Whether that’s true or not, if you really want to protect him, you need to let him heal on his own terms, son. Keep an eye on him from afar, step in if it’s ever absolutely necessary, but otherwise, the only way he’ll ever_ _have any good thoughts towards you_ _is if you give him what he wants and thinks he needs. Maybe, someday,_ _he’ll decide he misses you. If so, he can find you if he’s determined.”_

“Sometimes, being confronted with the reality of possibly losing someone in such a way can change things in a big way,” she softly says.

“Yeah,” he sighs. “Am I using your phone to talk to him, ma’am?”

…

“Hello?”

His heart twists painfully. “Hey, Thomas. Are you okay?”

“Grant?”

“Yeah, it’s me. My SO just told me some agents mistakenly came to your place.”

“‘SO’?”

“Superior officer.”

“They told me you were dead.”

“I’m sorry about that. No one’s sure what’s going on. Uh, if it helps, I made arrangements a long time ago for a good friend of mine to be the one notified if something happened to me, not you or anyone else in our family.”

Based on the fact Hill _kicked_ him, this was definitely the wrong thing to say in her mind.

He scoots the chair a little further away from her.

“Okay. Um- You, um, you’re okay, though?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m serving on a civilian base in California. Can you tell me anything about these agents?”

“Agents John Smith,” Thomas makes a small sound, “he assured me that was really his name, and Raina Johnson. He was an older white man, and she was a young black woman with an accent, maybe a little older than me. He was- generic, I guess is the word, but she was very pretty and wearing a beautiful flower dress. I’ve sat down with a sketch artist.”

“Good. They didn’t threaten you or do anything to hurt you?”

“No, they were both nice. Sympathetic. I got the feeling he liked you and she might not have even known you.”

“Okay. Look, Thomas- Again, I’m sorry. I don’t know how or why this happened, but I’ll try to figure it out. After you answer a few more questions over there, you should be free to go, and no one else from SHIELD will show up again.”

“How’s your life going, Grant?”

“It’s going good. Yours?”

Hill glares at him, but thankfully, no kicks follow.

“It’s been pretty good. Haven’t had to deal with Mom, Dad, or Christian in several years, so, that’s been a definite plus.”

“Yeah, same here.”

“Do you- is there anyone special in your life?”

He hesitates, and then, he decides, telling the truth can’t make anything worse. “There was, but it didn’t work out. We’re still good friends.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. Was she an agent, too?”

“He. And yeah, he was. He recently left SHIELD. Part of why anything long-term wouldn’t have worked.”

Hill- he feels sorry for her. She’s not actually going to do a roll-dive out of the window or kick the chair with him in it through it, but based on her stance and the way she’s eyeing it, she desperately wants to do one of these two things. Possibly both.

There’s silence on the other end.

“If you want to end the call now, that’s-”

“No. I’m sorry. I just- that was a big surprise. I’m sorry it didn’t work out with him.”

“It’s okay. I knew going in that realistically- still, he’s been one of the best things to ever happen to me.”

 _You being born was the other,_ while true- it wouldn’t be a good thing to say at this point.

He doesn’t know if Hill is religious, but she’s certainly giving every indication of silently praying.

“Is it okay to ask if- what you-” Thomas makes an apologetic sound.

“It’s fine. I’m bisexual. One thing I’d like for you to understand is: How screwed up I was back then, that had nothing to do with it. I realised what I was before I went to military school, and I was always fine with it. I just never said anything, because, well, it would have been suicide with our parents and Christian, and I didn’t know how well you’d understand it.”

“I’m glad it wasn’t another thing weighing on you,” Thomas says.

“Thanks. You going to be okay?”

“Yeah. Grant?”

“Hm?”

“Do you think we could meet up soon? I could fly to California, or if you wanted to visit-”

“If that’s what you really want, I’d love to meet up with you, Thomas. Uh, but it might be a while before that can happen. I can’t leave the base right now, and getting clearance for visitors is a long process. If you want, as soon as I can be granted a leave, I’ll get a babysitter for my dog, and we can meet wherever you want.”

“You have a dog?”

“Buddy. I’ve had him for over ten years. He used to be a hunting dog, and now, he follows around the base’s mailwoman during her deliveries and scams meatloaf from several different people every Tuesday with his big, pitiful, I never get treats puppy dog eyes.”

Thomas laughs. “Who named him?”

“I’m not sure. He was a rescue, and originally, it was more a case of me being a babysitter. Next thing I knew, I was getting him microchipped and the only places I was applying for stationing were pet-friendly ones.”

“I’d love to hear more about that and him. Right now, though, I need to go. I’ll give you my number. You got a pen?”

Getting silent permission, he takes a pen and post-it from Hill’s desk. “Got it.”

Finishing writing it down, he says, “Take care of yourself, Thomas.”

“I will. Grant- it’s been nice talking to you.”

“You, too. I’m glad you’re doing well.”

“Bye, Grant.”

“Goodbye, Thomas.”

Handing the phone to Hill, he leaves the chair.

She hangs up, and there’s silence for a few seconds.

“If you and Agent Garrett were together when Agent Hand visited-”

“We weren’t. I was telling the truth. Nothing ever happened when he was my SO or even after I transferred here. When I went to the Hub, I slept in his quarters for the two nights I was there. But I’d rather not explain to my estranged little brother during our first conversation in years, over the phone, no less, that I finally got a small piece of something with someone I’ve been in- I’ve admired and respected since I was a teenager.”

She nods. “Understandable. Go back to your quarters, Agent Ward.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

…

Buddy wags his tail.

“Hey.” Taking off his shoes, he crawls into bed, and Buddy half-curls on his chest. “So, there’s a chance you might get to meet Thomas someday. Never thought that would happen. If so, you’re going to love him, I promise. You’ll have him wrapped around your tail in no time.”

He half-wishes John could meet Thomas, but-

It’s time to put away the raw, hollow feeling as much as possible. Thomas is safe, Buddy is happy and healthy, and he’s still an agent.

He has more to live and be thankful for than he ever would have thought possible when he was seventeen.


End file.
